Linkmeister

A whole week of this?

I like ceremony as much as the next guy, but I think the media has gone a little overboard. I've concluded that the only way to get images and remembrances of President Reagan off our news programs is with something like this:

Copy boy (bursting onto studio set): Stop! We have Breaking News!

Anchorman: But we have a new retrospective on President Reagan scheduled, and for this one we got exclusive access to the shoeshine guy who polished them on the set of Hellcats of the Navy! We can't stop now!

Copy boy: I don't care! This can't wait! A train, a train...(trails off breathlessly)

Anchorman: A train? What the hell's with a train?

Copy boy: It's derailed in Iowa somewhere, and it had a cargo of seeds on board! It's a mile long, and the whole cargo spilled onto the ground!

Anchorman: Seed? Who the hell cares about seed?

Copy boy: You don't understand! All that seed is bio-engineered stuff from Monsanto! If it spreads across the state, it'll germinate! Then all of Iowa will have to be quarantined to keep the entire corn crop isolated, and it can't be done!

Anchorman: You mean...?

Copy boy: That's right! There's no National Guardsmen left in the state! The governor'll have to call out Superchicken!

Anchorman: But Superchicken only shows up every 17 years! How's the governor going to reach him?

Copy boy: I dunno, but if he don't, the entire country's agricultural supply will be doomed!

Anchorman: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. We'll have to reschedule the Reagan retrospective while we follow up this breaking story. We hope to get a crew on scene shortly, and we should have pictures at eleven. (Exits studio set)

Cut to tight shot of business card which reads Jubilation T. Cornpone, Governor

Copy boy: Here's the governor's number! You want me to get him on the phone?

Anchorman: Yeah, boy, and if you're wrong about this, I'll have your hide!