January 29, 2006

Sportscasting through the ages

If ESPN had been around through Asian History:

1206 A.D. Genghis Khan founds Mongol Empire

ESPN sportscaster: "A new ownership group has taken over Central Asia."

1368: Mongols driven out of China; Zhu Yuanzhang founds Ming dynasty

ESPN sportscaster #1: "After years of stagnation and strife, the storied franchise begun by Genghis Khan has finally collapsed."

ESPN sportscaster #2: "Yes, Fred. As it fades, let's remember the glory years when it pillaged most of its region. Sources say that after this the Chinese plan to strengthen their wall to keep them out."

1402: Tamerlane, Mongol conqueror from central Asia, defeats Ottomans at battle of Ankyra in Turkey

ESPN: "Only 34 years after the Mongols were driven from China, they've re-focused and won a dramatic come-from-behind victory in the Western regionals."

1600-14: English, Dutch, Danish, and French East India Companies founded

ESPN: "After years of consolidation, Europe has undertaken its first expansion outside its natural geographic boundaries."

1763 Britain becomes dominant power in India as a result of the Treaty of Paris

ESPN: "Britain becomes majority shareholder in India as a result of a leveraged buyout."

1784 United States begins to trade with China

ESPN: "Only 12 years after it came into existence, the upstart United States entered the major leagues today through a massive trade with China."

1854 Treaty of Kanagawa; United States and Japan agree their first modern trade treaty

ESPN sportscaster #1: "The US and Japan today signed a deal which will make both countries major players in the world market."

ESPN sportscaster #2: "Yes, Bob. As I understand it, Commodore Matthew Perry came to the party with a fleet of black ships and refused to give up until the deal was signed."

1941-42 Japanese overrun much of southeast Asia

ESPN: "Continuing the effort he began in 1937 to consolidate the Far Eastern region, Emperor Hirohito claimed draft rights of most of his neighbors."

1945 United States drops atomic bombs on Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

ESPN: "In a completely unexpected move, US stuns Hirohito, demands he renounce all claims to his neighbors' territories."

Tune in next week (if I feel like it) for ESPN's view of European history, brought to you by Coors Silver Bullet.

Posted by Linkmeister at January 29, 2006 12:33 PM | TrackBack

That is scathingly brilliant.

It also bears a strong resemblance to the real-life behavior of Raiders owner Al Davis.

Posted by: Pepper at January 30, 2006 05:58 PM

Davis? "Just Win, Baby" Davis?

Posted by: Linkmeister at January 30, 2006 09:04 PM

Loved the ESPN stuff....
This was my first try at satire.


In his state of the union George Bush is going to add Chickens to the Axis of Evil.

“Just look at ‘em they are just plain evil, they will eat anything you put in front of them.”

Bush said “Here's what Bush-haters don't get....


“They got themselves this disease that could threaten our livelihood worse than any terrorist ever could.”

There may be no way to stop the Chicken Flu from coming but vowed to launch a strike at KFC headquarters even though there are no actual chickens at the headquarters.

“We are gonna bring the fight to them.”

It is true that the threat of Chicken Flu has the potential to kill more people than any terrorist act will and thinks the party’s entire platform will revolve around scaring people with things that can kill you.

The President was quoted.
“Hell kids these days don’t care about Osoma or Hamas they just want to get their groove on, In fact I think the Bird Flu will only affect democrats if I am not mistaken. “
He goes on to say, “Yes it will be a harder sell than convincing everyone that the Republicans are the only ones who know how to fight terrorism, but people are starting to catch on that Democrats and Republicans both died in 9-11, and I need a new platform.”

He was quoted later in the evening with white dust by his nose.
“Thank god there isn’t a watermelon virus or I couldn’t carry any of the south.”

He ended his speech to a roaring applause.

“Good thing about the war on Chickens is that I don’t have to bring any soldiers home from Iraq and Afghanistan, I have signed an executive order that will allow dogs and other small varmints to enlist in our armed forces. Thank you and God bless America.”

Posted by: Kale Kidney at January 30, 2006 09:40 PM